


We need you

by QueenXIV



Category: The Hobbit - All Media Types, The Hobbit - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: Anxiety Disorder, Gen, Sad, Self-Harm, Suicide Attempt, Triggers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-04-19
Updated: 2014-04-19
Packaged: 2018-01-20 01:23:30
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,472
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1491496
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/QueenXIV/pseuds/QueenXIV
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Why wake up, if I already knew it was going to be a bad day? Why do something if I knew I would disappoint someone? </p><p>Trigger warning!</p>
            </blockquote>





	We need you

**Author's Note:**

> Hey, sorry for this sad fic, this is not my style. I love angst but... I needed to write this because right now I'm feeling like shit. I have anxiety and stress and I feel this strange feeling in my chest and stomach that I hate like something is wrong and... I feel like nobody can help me through this and I always feel like crying... So I needed to write this to find some kind of relief because while writing it I was feeling Kíli's pain instead of mine so it helped me a bit. I do not self harm, because it's not right and anyways I'm too scared of death and I hate pain too much to do it. 
> 
> So yeah, sorry if there are any mistakes, English is not my first language! 
> 
> Hope you like it!

People tend to say hurtful things without thinking. Most people wouldn’t be bothered by it; they would just shake it off like it didn’t matter. I used to do that too, when I was younger. But when I got older and everything started to change then I changed too, and not for the better. Things seemed to affect me more than they affected the others and I was always so anxious and nervous, the feeling of disappointment and sadness always present. That empty hole in my chest and that horrible feeling in my stomach. And as I grew older it only worsened. 

I never told anybody because I thought it would make me weak at their eyes and I wanted nothing more but to be considered a warrior, a fighter, an honorable dwarf. So I kept it quiet and I never let it show on the outside. But then we went on the quest for Erebor and I thought things would get better because I would prove myself capable of going on an adventure. But they didn’t. It only went down hill from that point. 

Every time something went wrong I couldn’t help but blame myself, even if deep down I knew it wasn’t my fault. When Thorin scolded us I felt more and more ashamed and the anxiety was suffocating, leaving me breathless and weak. The scolding made Fíli stronger but they did the opposite to me. No one noticed, or at least they didn’t seem to. When I was sadder they seemed happier and when I tried to do something useful it always turned out wrong. 

I heard the others when they thought I didn’t and they were always criticizing me. 

Thorin, you should make him use a real sword, not the stupid bow he’s always using. 

The boy is so weak; he would be dead if it wasn’t for his brother. 

We’re lucky that Fíli is so different from Kíli after all we need a strong king. 

He’s so much like an elf, if it wasn’t for the stubble I would say he’s a half-breed. 

That comments hurt so, so much. I felt a sharp pain in the chest every time I heard one of those leave my so-called friends or family. The ones I cared about, the ones I loved. After the troll accident with Bilbo I was severely scolded by nearly all the dwarves while only a few scolded Fíli. I felt so ashamed, so unhappy with myself and my life, that hole in my chest was enormous and my stomach felt like someone was stepping on it. I could only hold my tears until it everyone was asleep and then I cried and wept silently until there were no more tears to shed. 

No one had heard me, though a few sobs had escaped my mouth. Or at least they decided to ignore me because that was easier than helping me. But I couldn’t blame them for I didn’t know what I would do in their place. 

Rivendell was more relaxing for me. Every one was having fun and no one had to prove himself in any battle. But then arrangements were made and I had to sleep with the rest of the company instead of sleeping with my brother and my uncle. Fíli had tried to argue with Thorin about it but our uncle said that there was no place in the room. Afterwards, when they thought I wasn’t there I heard Fíli say to Thorin that I could take his bed or share it with him but Thorin had replied that Fíli as his heir and I wasn’t. And even though it was the truth, it still hurt, it hurt that Thorin thought so low of me. My own uncle, my own kin. He, also, didn’t think I would be capable of ruling a kingdom, that I was useless. And I did believe it too, I was completely useless. 

But as always, I kept everything quiet and never told anyone what troubled me. Fíli asked, because he was my brother and he cared for me. Why aren’t you happy? You seem so gloomy lately, why don’t you eat? You were always hungry before… Everything seemed so hard to do, so pointless. Why wake up, if I already knew it was going to be a bad day? Why do something if I knew I would disappoint someone? 

The night after the eagles rescued us was the first night I found relief. It had been an experience close to death and I had noticed that during that brief moment my life had been threatened I had not felt the hole in my chest or the bad feeling in my stomach. When I had been feeling pain I didn’t notice those things either. So I had found a cure to my sickness. 

I took my knife and walked away from the group, I was on watch duty so everyone else was asleep. I sat down on the grass and undid my gloves and rolled up my sleeves. The scars and cuts would be easy to hide with all the clothes. My hands were trembling a bit but I started cutting my hand slowly, not deep. I hissed at the pain but then my mind started focusing on the pain, making my weird feelings go away. 

After a while I dropped the knife and tied a cloth around my arm and hand, tightly, to make the wounds stop bleeding. I pressed my other hand against my injured arm firmly, feeling a bit of pain that made me smile. I smiled. For the first time in weeks, I smiled sincerely. 

After that night it had become a ritual, so every time I was on watch duty I would separate myself from the group and cut myself. I knew it wasn’t a permanent solution, but I needed that little moments of forgetfulness, of something that resembled happiness. I knew it wasn’t right because I was ashamed and afraid to tell anyone and I was nervous fearing that I would be busted one day. 

After that we arrived at Beorn’s house where we stayed a few days. The first day there I was as peaceful as I could be but when I tried to sleep all my fears came to me and I had to leave and go outside for a bit to try to calm myself. But I couldn’t. I just couldn’t stop the tears from falling. I sobbed silently, and my throat hurt from trying to keep myself silent. I took the first thing that I would be able to cut with that I found and slit my arm from my hand to my elbow. It started to bleed profusely and it hurt a lot but at least I didn’t feel any pain in my chest. 

The next day everyone was looking at me strangely because I hissed and flinched every time I had to use my arm. That same afternoon Thorin claimed that we would be leaving the next day. Suddenly I felt desperate. I didn’t want to leave; I didn’t want to face new disappointments and failed opportunities to prove myself. That same afternoon I separated myself from the group and left the house, sitting in the grass outside to watch the sunset. The feeling in my stomach was so constricting and I felt like crying but I didn’t let myself cry, I was weak enough with the things I was already doing. 

I felt someone approach me and for a second I had hope, hope that it was Thorin, Fíli or someone from the company that had noticed my state. But it was Bilbo, the least person I expected to come to me. He looked at me sympathetically and sat down at the grass by my side. 

“Hey.” he said. I smiled a bit at him for I didn’t trust my voice. “I’ve noticed that you’ve been very down lately. At the beginning of the trip I observed that you had ups and downs but… But lately there doesn’t seem to be any ups. Kíli, I know something is bothering you, I don’t know what or if I can help with it but I want you to know that you’ve got a friend here and a shoulder to cry on should you need it.” said the hobbit, with such a force and friendliness in his voice that my heart warmed but it also clenched. I lowered my head looking at the ground as I felt my eyes water. 

My chin wobbled and my lips trembled as I struggled to say thank you to the hobbit. Tears started falling down my cheeks and a sob escaped my lips, making Bilbo turn his head towards me. 

“Kíli, are you okay?” he said deeply concerned. I just shook my head and rested my head on his shoulder while he hold me against him, rubbing my back and petting my head while I wept and sobbed. We stood there maybe for an hour and not once he made me tell him what bothered me, he just let me rest my head on his shoulder and just doing that he helped me so much at that moment. There was someone I could rely on. 

But Bilbo wasn’t always able to be with me. The day after that, when we left Beorn’s house he spent the whole day chatting with me while we travelled and he even made me smile with his stories and jokes. The second day Thorin needed him for something and they spent the day talking and I was left alone because Fíli was talking about something with Ori and I didn’t want to bother him. 

I don’t know what went wrong that night and everything was pretty confusing. I was supposed to hunt a few animals to eat that evening but I couldn’t focus, the anxiety overpowering me again. My hands trembled and I felt more and more nervous every time I failed a target. I do remember a lot of scolding and a bit of screaming. 

“All you had to do was hunt, lad, it isn’t so difficult.” commented someone in the company. Others nodded. I lowered my head and tried to keep my emotions at bay. 

“If he can’t do that and he’s not good with swords I don’t know how he’s going to be of any help…” I heard someone mutter. 

“Now we won’t eat enough and we’ll be tired tomorrow…” someone complained. I sat down on the floor and tried to keep my face blank. 

“My wee lad, Gimli, would have been able to hunt better than him!” proclaimed Gloin. My heart and stomach clenched and I could bear it no more. That was the last straw that broke the camel’s back. The pain was too much and I felt so useless, worthless and stupid. I felt I was a burden and no one needed me. 

And suddenly, a realization came to me: death was the answer. If I was dead I wouldn’t be a burden and I wouldn’t feel any pain. I clenched my jaw tightly and my eyes burned with unshed tears. I sat up as quickly as I could and left the camp, heading towards the nearer woods that would hide me from them. I could feel their eyes on me, I could hear my brother and my uncle call my name but I just ran as sobs escaped my lips and I made a decision. I would not end this journey but I would end my life right then, I couldn’t bear the pain anymore. 

I stopped when I couldn’t run anymore because I was breathless. I fell on my knees my whole body shaking and trembling with the sobs that wracked my body. I had been afraid of death once but I wasn’t anymore. I would embrace it for it would take away my pain and sadness. 

I did the same was always, undid my gloved and rolled up my sleeves. I knew it would be a slow death, but it wasn’t going to be very painful, as I would slowly fade into unconsciousness. I grabbed the knife that then I always carried with me and pressed the blade against my skin. It broke easily, staining the scars red. 

It was strange but that didn’t ease my feelings so I cut deeper and deeper until I arrived at the crook of my arm. My arm was red with blood and the wound hurt a lot but I still felt sick with myself. With pain I grabbed the knife with the injured arm and started cutting the unblemished one. I tried to cut even deeper than the other but the pain was so intense and the bleeding was so fast that I felt to dizzy to keep cutting. The knife fell on the ground and I lowered myself to the ground. The grass tingled my face and I could feel a puddle of blood forming under my arms. 

My breath started to come ragged and I couldn’t see anything focused. I could almost feel life slipping out of me. The pain was fading with it and that made me happy. And I heard someone shout my name, but it seemed too distant, like they were shouting from very far away. 

My body was numb everywhere but I felt a pair of strong arms grab me suddenly and lots of voices started shouting my name. I felt someone pull me against his chest and another was trying to stop the bleeding. I wanted to fight them but I didn’t have any strength to do it. 

“Kíli, please, no, no, no…” sobbed my brother. The vision was still blurred but the sound was clearer. 

“He’s still bleeding, please someone help me, Oin!” shouted my uncle, while holding my arms. I was pressed against Fíli’s chest and then I felt a hand on my head, combing my hair. 

“Kíli… Kíli, why did you do this…” Bilbo muttered against my hair, and I felt his tears fall on my face, mixing with my own. 

There were thousands of hands on me, trying to stop the bleeding, trying to save me. I was loved; after all, I was loved. I felt Dwalin’s voice giving orders on what to do to try to stop the bleeding and I heard Bofur trying to help me regain consciousness. Ori was trying to remember what he knew of medicine to help in those cases and Oin was doing everything he could. 

“Please, Kíli…” I heard my uncle mutter with a broken voice. “Please, don’t die. I need you, Fíli needs you… We need you, Kíli.” 

And that was everything I needed to know, all I needed to fight for my life. Because after all I was loved and needed.

**Author's Note:**

> Please leave kudos and comments, they give me strength to continue my life and go to school and do things everyday:)


End file.
